Dear Old Phart,

I’ve heard lots of people are making lots of money buying bitcoins. I’m not exactly sure what bitcoins are but if I can make some coin, shouldn’t I bite?

Buy Bitcoin?

Dear Buy Bitcoin?,

You should never invest in anything you don’t understand. So I will try and explain bitcoins to you. Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency that was invented by some very smart computer programmers. The secret to bitcoin is a technology called “blockhead chain” technology.

What this means is that the programmers create an imaginary currency and convince a bunch of blockheads to buy it. Soon the blockheads are buying and selling to other blockheads, forming a chain, and pushing the price of bitcoins sky high. The key to this technology is not to be the last blockhead on the chain to sell as there won’t be anyone left on the other end of the chain to buy your currency.

There are many other cryptocurrencies besides bitcoin. One of these is Ripple. Ripple was invented by a couple of college programmers sitting around a dorm room one night drinking cheap red wine. Initially they were going to call their currency Mad Dog but decided Ripple had more cachet.

As a service to my readers, the Old Phart has created a new cryptocurrency called GoldCoin.  GoldCoin is especially tailored to the needs of Golden Agers. Unlike other cryptocurrencies, GoldCoin has physical assets associated with the currency.

GoldCoin is backed by actual gold coins from coloring books that my great nieces have filled in using gold crayons. And I assure you, most of the coloring stays within the lines.  (I am so proud of them!)  My great nephew also would have participated in coloring the coins, but he is too busy chasing people around the house with a stick. (Reminds me of when I was a Young Phart!)

Because seniors often have difficulty with technology and losing things, I have invented an ingenious method of storing GoldCoin cryptocurrency. GoldCoins are stored electronically in people’s hearing aids.

You know that annoying high-pitched sound that occurs when the hearing aid acts up? That is actually a signal to buy GoldCoin. When you hear that sound, sell your stocks, bonds, and annuities and buy GoldCoin.

In fact I hear that sound now! Wait, that is just my microwave going off. I guess my mac and cheese is ready.


Old Phart


Dear Old Phart,

I am a 54 year old woman and have entered that dreaded phase of life, menopause. I have hot flashes, irritability and sleepless nights. But the worse part is my husband. He is not understanding at all. In fact he is bugging me to take all these hormonal pills and creams, as if they are going to make me a young woman again. I’m nervous about taking these substances, some studies have shown them to cause cancer.

To make it worse, yesterday he handed me divorce papers. He said if I don’t start filling my body with estrogens he is going to leave me. What should I do?

Whose Body Is It?

Dear Whose Body Is It?:

By all means, go ahead and use the estrogen pills and creams…just don’t use them on yourself…use them on him!

Grind up the pills and put them in his coffee. Make his Irish Whiskey into I Wish I Wasn’t Such A Turkey Estrogen Cocktail. When you have your intimate moments, spice up your foreplay by slathering feminine hormonal cream all over his  private parts.

Within a short period of time you will find he won’t be as obnoxious and aggressive. His voice will get higher, his junk smaller and his man boobs bigger. Over time you will find that he will develop this annoying habit of wanting to cuddle with you constantly.

Still not satisfied with your situation? Remember he already filled out the divorce papers. Sign them, take everything he has and skip town. Join one of those groups where all the women wear red hats, take lots of cruises and learn to play mahjong.

If you do divorce him, resist the urge to stay in touch with your ex. After all there’s a good chance he will develop cancer from being exposed to all those hormones. He’ll probably want you to take care of him but do not–you took care of him already .

Old Phart