Dear Old Phart,

I’ve heard lots of people are making lots of money buying bitcoins. I’m not exactly sure what bitcoins are but if I can make some coin, shouldn’t I bite?

Buy Bitcoin?

Dear Buy Bitcoin?,

You should never invest in anything you don’t understand. So I will try and explain bitcoins to you. Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency that was invented by some very smart computer programmers. The secret to bitcoin is a technology called “blockhead chain” technology.

What this means is that the programmers create an imaginary currency and convince a bunch of blockheads to buy it. Soon the blockheads are buying and selling to other blockheads, forming a chain, and pushing the price of bitcoins sky high. The key to this technology is not to be the last blockhead on the chain to sell as there won’t be anyone left on the other end of the chain to buy your currency.

There are many other cryptocurrencies besides bitcoin. One of these is Ripple. Ripple was invented by a couple of college programmers sitting around a dorm room one night drinking cheap red wine. Initially they were going to call their currency Mad Dog but decided Ripple had more cachet.

As a service to my readers, the Old Phart has created a new cryptocurrency called GoldCoin.  GoldCoin is especially tailored to the needs of Golden Agers. Unlike other cryptocurrencies, GoldCoin has physical assets associated with the currency.

GoldCoin is backed by actual gold coins from coloring books that my great nieces have filled in using gold crayons. And I assure you, most of the coloring stays within the lines.  (I am so proud of them!)  My great nephew also would have participated in coloring the coins, but he is too busy chasing people around the house with a stick. (Reminds me of when I was a Young Phart!)

Because seniors often have difficulty with technology and losing things, I have invented an ingenious method of storing GoldCoin cryptocurrency. GoldCoins are stored electronically in people’s hearing aids.

You know that annoying high-pitched sound that occurs when the hearing aid acts up? That is actually a signal to buy GoldCoin. When you hear that sound, sell your stocks, bonds, and annuities and buy GoldCoin.

In fact I hear that sound now! Wait, that is just my microwave going off. I guess my mac and cheese is ready.


Old Phart