Wedding Rap

Dear Old Phart,

My daughter’s wedding is coming up and I want to give a memorable “father of the bride” speech. I haven’t been the greatest Dad so I want to do something special. I’ve seen on You Tube a lot of people doing wedding raps, but I’m not that good with words. Can you help?

Befuddled Dad

Dear  Befuddled Dad,

Yes I can help. The Old Phart listens to all types of music from Stravinsky to Poop Dog, er, Snoop Dogg.  Just call me RapMaster O.P. (Old Phart). Here we go:

Wedding Rap

Ushers,  deacons, lock the door,

Here comes a rap from the bride’s Pa

Ya’ll  better listen to me with cer-tain-tee,

If not I’ll drive by and put a cap in yo’ knee!

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

go daddy go.

When the bride be born, she a wee baby,

They all said me, just a Daddy maybe.

So I bought her a toy–a stuffed animal named Tigger,

She grew up like her Mom–a friggin’ gold digger.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

go daddy go.

The bride and groom met on a blind date,

He took to her right out o’ the gate.

On that night,  he think I can bang-bang,

So by the morn’ she had bagged him by his whang!

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

go daddy go.

Now they hitched, livin’ ‘n marital bliss.

As long as he raise hand, before he go piss!

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

go daddy go.

This rap is done, I’m your proud Pa,

Now I go home and get throttled  by your Ma!

Old Phart

Taking A Knee

Dear Old Phart,

What’s all this controversy about football players kneeling during the national anthem? Whatever happened to respecting the flag? Do you love our country or are you one of those hippie communist nut jobs?

Which Side Are You On?

Dear Which Side Are You On?,

This is one of those controversies I really don’t get worked up about. My biggest concern right now is whether I can finish this in time to take a nap.

Just so you know, I would never kneel during the national anthem. My knees hurt when I kneel and at my age I’m not sure if I would be able to get up afterwards.

But enough about me. You don’t like football players kneeling during the national anthem? That’s easy enough to fix. Use your brain; try aversion therapy on the NFL.

Start a social media campaign calling out football players who kneel during the national anthem. Call them wimps. Say real men don’t kneel during the national anthem. Tell them if they were real men then they would kneel when it would actually take courage to get down on one knee…like in the locker room shower after the game!

Oh yeah. The first time one of those players takes a knee in the shower and finds themselves at eye level with Gronkowski’s schlong, it’ll be game over. Or perhaps they’ll find themselves staring at some tight end’s beefy behind. Such a vision will be burnt into their brain so brightly that they’ll never kneel any place anytime soon for fear of remembering that sight.

And I don’t think the other players will take too kindly with a teammate being eyes to eye with their privates. Don’t be surprised if this results in unnecessary roughness and unsportsmanlike conduct in the locker room.

So, problem solved.  See all you have to do is use your brain to address any dilemma. I’m so good. Maybe next time I’ll tackle something a little more challenging…like cutting toe nails when you’re old and your stomach gets  too big.

Old Phart