Dolt 45

Dear Old Phart:

Is there any way to put 45 (President Trump-45th President) back in his mother’s vagina (poonburger)?

Irreverent Reverend

Dear Irreverrent Reverend:

Sister, there’s not enough lube in the world to squeeze that ego inflated cranium back into the primordial swamp from which it oozed.

All I can say is that I agree with what  HBO talk show host Bill Maher stated about the last Presidential election.  When asked if he voted for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton he replied: “I didn’t vote for that whiney bitch. I voted for Hillary.”

Old Phart

Tech Savy or Tech Sorry?

Dear Old Phart,

Help! I think I am an addict…to technology. I am so wired to my Facebook, email, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest and other social media that I never get any rest.  I am constantly checking my phone for messages, getting dinged and sending words and images to the infosphere. I live half my life on earth; the other half in cyberspace.

I don’t sleep well and when I am awake I am a bundle of nerves. I want to be tech savvy but instead I have become tech sorry.

How can I connect to the modern world and still interconnect  to the human world?

Disfunction Junction

Dear Disfunction Junction,

Groucho Marx, a legendary cigar chomping comedian, hosted a show called “You Bet Your Life.” During the show he asked a contestant if he had children. The contestant responded, “Yes Groucho I have 8 kids.” Groucho asked, “Why do you have so many kids?” The contestant responded, “I love my wife.” Groucho added, “I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”

It’s time you took the cigar out of your mouth. Even the most pleasurable activities can become unpleasant when they become obsessive. Luckily you have the Old Phart to help you through this problem using a very effective technique called guided meditation.

First, close your eyes.  Now relax.  Take deep breathes.  Now imagine the most attractive person that ever walked the earth is standing in front of you clad only in bikini briefs. (But you can’t use Joan Rivers–she’s my fantasy!) Now just as you two are about to embrace, you get a text message. Annoyed, you stop what you are doing and check the message. Poof, your fantasy disappears.

Now open your eyes to how disfunctional your life has become. Your addiction to social media is making you a technological neurotic. At first the tension on your central nervous system goes unnoticed, but over time it will suck the sanctity from your soul, like a high tech sexually transmitted disease.

The pleasure is not worth the pain. Your only hope is to set down the phone, put on your big girl panties (oops, those are Joan’s) , and kick technology to the curb.

Yes go cold turkey. No matter how much you think you need social media, you need to turn off your lust for it.

Just take the cigar out of your mouth. Your love for the virtual world is akin to Joan River’s love life: “It’s like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it is missing and what’s there stinks!”

Old Phart

Life’s a Beach

Dear Old Phart,

I love my wife but she has this thing about beach vendors. Recently we went on a trip to Mexico and before she had taken six steps onto the beach she was surrounded by vendors.

She spoke to them all, bought from almost all of them and promised the rest she would be back. She did “bargain” with them but I bet the final price was not a bargain and the “real” silver jewelry was anything but.

What should I do? I think she’s a beach shopaholic!

Save My Retirement

Dear Save My Retirement,

You can’t fool me. This is not a letter from a random reader. This is from my Appalachian-born, Vietnam vet-bred, mojo-loco brother-in-law who is trying to get me in trouble with my wife!

Yes my brother-in-law Geno is a walking contradiction. He is one of the most talented, conflicted persons of character I have ever known. But Geno you’re not going to use your special ops mind techniques to force me into saying anything negative about my beach shopaholic wife….oops she’s not a beach shopaholic…she’s a wonderful caring careful shopper…who…stop it Geno…I am not going to talk smack about how much my wife spent buying beach jewelry and then forgetting all of it in the hotel when she packed…damn  you Gene!

Stop messing with me. Go back to watching “Finding Bigfoot” on the Animal Channel.

Geno…Ouch, stop twisting my nipples! What’s wrong with you? Wait what, that’s not you? Then who is it?

Oh oh….

Got to go.

Old Phart

Perennial Millennial

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 27 year old Millenial. I am sick and tired of you Boomers brushing us off like some imaginary spec of dust on Jay-Z’s shoulder.

We are proud, hard-working civic minded Americans whose goals and ambitions are just as noteworthy as the generations before us.

My question to you Old Phart is, how do I convey this thought to my parents without them threatening to kick me out of the house again? They’re really becoming annoying; why can’t they just leave me alone?

Perennial Millenial

P.S.:  If I post your blog on my social media can you get me a beta version of the next “Call of Duty” video game?

Dear Millennial,

For thousands of years, people have been stinking up the bathroom when they poop.  Then about a decade ago, some baby boomer thought it would be a neat idea to place a little spray bottle of perfumed scent on the back of the toilet to spritz the air after launching a U-Boat into the waters below.

You know what I mean. You take a dump. It smells. You spray the scent to cover your stink. Then you go to the sink to wash your…wait what?!!!

You use the scent spray before you wash your hands? That means you and everyone who has taken a crap before you has touched their poop encrusted hands on that nozzle right after they wipe their bottom but before they wash. Gross!

See the metaphor here? Boomers want everyone to think that their poop doesn’t stink but their hands are just as dirty as all the generations before them!

Don’t let anyone stereotype your generation. Before we were boomers we were pot smoking, sex crazed, commune living, anti-capitalist hippies who were going to tear apart the fabric of American society. Yet our generation produced such captains of industry as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and we created more wealth inequality than any generation before us!

If you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist it’s because you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist….not because you are a Millennial.

Ah wait, ulp. Dang it, I ate too much creamed corn for dinner. Excuse me… gotta run… let’s hope there’s some scent left in that bottle.

Old Phart

Is History Important?

Dear Old Phart,

My college roommate and I were engaged in a late night discussion on whether history is important. He argued it was and used the old bromide that “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.” I countered that in this age of “fake facts” and instantaneous communication, words are not worth the paper they used to be written on.

What say you?

Yes We Were Stoned

Dear Yes We Were Stoned,

The short answer to your question is that history is important to history teachers but history teachers do not make history. Neither do history majors– unless they get a job in a field other than their major.

History is only important in a social darwinistic sense; that is, you do something based on what others have done or not done (history) that changes how both you and others act or react (making history).

For instance, let’s say you are not as smart as a history major but you inherit a large sum of money.

With this money you make investments and based upon your family legacy,  people and banks give you more money. Over time people believe that you have a history of successful investment so they start to throw ever larger sums of money at you.

Then you convince people that not only are you smarter than a history major, but you are smarter than those who write the first draft of history–journalists.

When you convince all these people how smart you are, even though you’re not, then you can become President of the United States.   Now that’s making history!

And that’s why you now find yourself living  in the Stoned Age.

Old Phart

White Privilege?

Dear Old Phart,

I am your average white guy on the 1-2-3 plan. One wife, two kids and three part-time jobs. I make $38,000 a year and am forced to buy Obamacare so my family, including my son with asthma, can have lousy health insurance. My major leisure time activity is falling asleep on the couch while watching tv and worrying about  car payments.

If I’m  lucky, my kids will be able to afford to go to community college so they can have the same sucky life I have.

I keep hearing about white privilege. When am I going to get some?

Depressed in Des Moines

Dear Depressed,

This past year basketball star LeBron James had his house spray painted with racist graffiti. After this happened he remarked: “No matter how much money you have, no matter how famous you are, no matter how many people admire you, being black in American is tough.”

Some have complained that LeBron’s comments were out of place as he is, as are other black people, very successful. But let’s face it,  if you were in LeBron’s size 15 sneakers, no one would be spraying your home with racist graffiti because you are a white man. And remember the average black family makes $23,000 less than the average white family. And if your son was black, you would be worrying about his life ending prematurely at a traffic stop, or if living in the central city, by gang violence.

Now let me tell you a factoid about the Old Phart. One of my favorite cartoons appeared in the now-defunct humor magazine “The National Lampoon.” The cartoon showed a hot dog in human form with a face, arms and legs standing in front of a mail box. In his hand is a letter from the Publisher Clearinghouse Sweepstakes that says: “You may already be a weiner!”

Now to answer your question about when are you going to get some of that  white privilege.

There is white privilege even though not all white people are privileged.  And there are some privileged people who are not white.

LeBron? He’s a proud black man, worth over $400 million dollars, with multiple homes and cars.  His 12 year old son is already such a superb basketball athlete that he is drawing attention from top colleges. LeBron is a winner.

You? You may already be a weiner.

Old Phart

 

 

 

 

 

Forever Alone?

Dear Old Phart,

I’ve tried it all! Blind dates, set ups, online apps, meeting  guys at bars, at school or at work…. but I still can’t seem to find a “significant other”. What do you think is the best practice? Should I continue dating or just let it come to me? Or give up all together?

Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

From your letter, and the enclosed picture of you sitting on your bed,  I can deduce three things:

  1. you have a substance abuse challenge – as shown by the empty beer bottle on your night stand with the half-smoked doobie balanced on top of it.  A less challenged person would have finished the blunt and left the beer bottle half empty.
  2. you like bad boys–as shown by the poster of the lead singer from the indie band Catastro hanging over your bed.  Stay away from him–he smells like underage teen spirit!
  3. you have a tendency towards sexual promiscuity–as shown by the fact that you are wearing an ASU t-shirt. Go Devils!

But the three character traits named above are not the root cause of your problem. In fact, they remind me of my daughter’s friends character traits–and many of them are happily married; including my daughter.

Your real problem is that you are addicted to emotional turmoil. You love the drama of relationships instead of focusing on the stability they can bring. Sure the short term highs of felt-up, make-up, break-up are exciting but after it’s over you find yourself at the starting gate again.

Change your dating perspective from having a good time to attaining a mate for the long run. Think marathon not the 50 yard dash.

You’ll still need to attend the meet markets, but to change your outcome you’ll need to modify your mating moves so you can meet a companion who merits such a magnificent Miss from Tempe!

Old Phart

 

Einstein

 

Dear Old Phart,

I’m trying to find someone who can explain to me the meaning of Einstein’s equation E=MC². You are the smartest person I know Old Phart so if anyone can explain it to me you can.

Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Understanding this equation is not as difficult as it seems. Basically what Einstein was saying is that if you take any object (mass) and make it go really, really fast (the speed of light x the speed of light) it will turn into energy (kaboom!). Understand?

No? Ok. Let me explain it another way. Your brain is a lot smaller than Einstein’s. If you took your brain out of your skull and deposited it up your buttocks,  it would be like a bee bee rolling around in a box car.

Understand now?

Old Phart

Participation Trophies

Dear Old Phart,

My five-year old son is currently participating in a T-ball league. It’s one of those set-ups where every kid gets a trophy whether they win or lose. I think handing a kid a trophy when they lose destroys their competitive spirit and gives them a false sense of how life really works. How can I raise my child properly when all these liberal lame brains are trying to make kids feel good instead of showing them how life really works?

Teed Off

Dear Teed Off,

I have a training exercise for you and junior that will help establish the competitive atmosphere you are seeking and reinforce your parenting skills.

Instead of having him try and hit a ball from a stationary tee, balance the ball on top of your head. Then have him swing the bat at the ball as hard as he can so he can express how he really feels about dear ol’ Dad.

For Christ’s sake man, he’s just a 5 year old trying to learn a game. Whether he gets a trophy or not is not going to determine his fate for the rest of his life. What will mess him up though is having an over-competitive dickwad Dad whose parenting skills will turn the kid into a neurotic adult with multiple psychological issues.

When your youngster becomes a fully disfunctional adult  you probably will blame it on the participation trophy he received as a kid instead of the Dad who stole his childhood.

You need to get a life; just make sure it’s someone else’s besides your son’s.

Old Phart

 

Single Mom Dating

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 33 year old single mom of two. I work a full time job, get no sleep and barely have time to write this. My friends are constantly trying to fix me up and encourage me to date.  I admit that sometimes I think some male companionship would be nice, but I have no energy to pursue. What’s your advice?

Wake Me Up When You Respond

 

Wakey-Wakey Dear,

I have one word for you: lesbianism.  For the life of me, I don’t get why chicks dig dudes. Most of us are butt ugly, have hygiene challenges and sport an unfathomable obsession with games that involve balls.

Find a lovely lass who will help you with the kids, share the housework and  genuinely enjoys watching HGTV with you. Granted occasionally you will have to go to Australia (down under) but it’s no worse than eating day old spinach artichoke dip.

So forget the serving of petulant pickle and entertain a well-manicured muffin.  Why date a mate with a balding pate and back hair…just go queer my dear!

Old Phart